I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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