Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
