I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
