everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
