the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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