What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
