dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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