I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
