I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
