evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
