He passed out mid-signature
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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