i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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