I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
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