literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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