ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize