I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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