I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
