I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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