you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
