my text book just quoted the cookie monster
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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