sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
