I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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