I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
