I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
