Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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