Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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