Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
