I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
