my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
