I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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