you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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