She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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