There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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