The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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