No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
