I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
