if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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