The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
