If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
