she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
