I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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