I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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