wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
A+ Viking dick
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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