things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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