oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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