Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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