ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
