At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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