I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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