I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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