wrigley field is MILF paradise
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
