Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
