i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
