I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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