I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
