last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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