you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
How's work?
Spinning.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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