How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
