I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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