Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize