I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
