dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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