So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
